Unclear sequence

1. Unclear sequence

Consider this badly-written letter. There is no clear sequence to the letter, which makes it difficult to understand.

Dear Sir,

We are interested in your security system. We would like to know more about the prices and discounts you offer.

A business associate of ours, DMS (Wholesalers) Ltd., mentioned your name to us and showed us a catalogue. They were impressed with the security system you installed for them, so we are writing to you about it. Do you give us guarantees with the installations?

In your catalogue we saw the 'Secure 15' which looks as though it might suit our purposes. DMD had the 'Secure 18' installed, but as we mentioned, they are wholesalers, while we are a chain of stores. We would like something that can prevent robbery and shoplifting, so the 'Secure 15' might suit us.

How long would it take to install a system that would serve all departments? Could you send us an inspector or adviser to see us at some time?

If you can offer competitive prices and guarantees we would put your system in all our outlets, but initially we would only install the system in our main branch.

We would like to make a decision on this soon, so we would appreciate an early reply.

Yours faithfully,

2.Clear sequence

Here is a better version of the same letter, in which the ideas and information are in logical order.

Dear Mr. Jerry,

We are a chain of retail stores and are looking for an efficient security system. You were recommended to us by our associates DMS (Wholesalers) Ltd. for whom you recently installed an alarms system, the 'Secure 18'.

We need an installation which would give us comprehensive protection against robbery and shoplifting throughout all departments; and the' Secure 15' featured in your catalogue appears to suit us. However, if one of your representatives could come along to see us, he would probably be able to give us more advice and details of the available systems.

Initially, we will test your system in our main branch, and if successful, then extend it throughout our other branches, but of course a competitive quotation and full guarantees for maintenance and service would be necessary.

Please reply as soon as possible as we would like to make a decision within the next few months. Thank you

Yours sincerely,

Paragraphs

First paragraph

The first sentence or paragraph of a letter is an important one since it gets the tone of the letter and gives your reader his first impression of you and your company. Generally speaking, in the first paragraph you will thank your correspondent for his letter (if replying to an enquiry), introduce yourself and your company if necessary, state the subject of the letter, and set out the purpose of the letter. Here are two examples:

Thank you for your enquiry dated 8 July in which you asked us about our range of cosmetics. As you have probably seen in our advertisements in fashion magazines, we appeal to a wide age-group from the teenage market trough to more mature women, with our products being retailed in leading stores throughout the world.

Thank you for your letter of 19 August which I received today. We can certainly supply you with the industrial floor coverings you asked about, and enclosed you will find a catalogue illustrating our wide range of products, which are used in factories and offices throughout the world.

Middle paragraphs

This is the main part of your letter and will concern the points that need to be made, answers you wish to give, or questions you want to ask. As this can vary widely with the type of letter that you are writing, it is dwelt in other parts of my diploma work.

It is in the middle paragraphs of a letter that planning is most important, to make sure that your points are made clearly, fully and in logical sequence.

Final paragraph

When closing the letter, you should thank the person for writing, if your letter is a reply and if you have not done this at the beginning. Encourage further enquiries or correspondence, and mention that you look forward to hearing from your correspondent soon. You may also wish to restate , very briefly, one or two the most important of the points you have made in the main part of the letter. Here are some examples:

Once again thank you for writing to us, and please contact us if you would like any further information. To go briefly over the points I have made - all prices are quoted c.i.f. Yokahama; delivery would be six weeks from receipt of order; and payment should be made by bank draft. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

I hope I have covered all the questions you asked, but please contact me if there are any other details you require. May I just point out that the summer season will soon be with us, so please place an order as soon as possible so that it can be met in good time for when the season starts. I hope to hear from you in the near future.

We are sure that you have made the right choice in choosing this particular line as it is proving to be a leading seller. If there is any advice or further information you want, we shall be happy to supply it, and look forward to hearing from you.